Let’s review the tale of the tape:

Alex Rodriguez:

Ryan Howard:

I’d choose the Subway sub over Kate Hudson, too. Aside from that, I’m not sure whether to go with the guy who’s as productive as the Eagles offense and looking to tie Lou Gehrig’s 77-year-old record for consecutive postseason games with an RBI, or the guy who’s shedding demonizing labels and looking to reclaiming his GOAT status. Not scapegoat: Greatest of All-Time.

I’m torn. Rather let the pitchers decide who to throw to.

Phillies win 8-6 with timely power hitting, return to form of its once dominant closer, blahblahblah.

But let’s get down to brass tacks: I loves me a good hoax, and oh, did the Balloon Boy Incident have it all. There was a Pixar-inspired UFO, reality-TV parents, a spooky box in the attic, and all of it caused a media swell for a truly spectacular couple of frenzied hours. The national live feed of the low-speed chase following the homemade saucer’s flightpath from the local-affiliate newscopter might just be our generation’s white Ford Bronco on the lam coverage. [And notice that O.J. reference comes without any “bizarro” alternate-universe connotation.]

I laughed, I was shocked, and there was even the suggestion of death. Is it too much to ask the internet if we can we have one of these every month or so?

In the meantime, allow me to continue Falcon Heene’s original mission: to usurp the Goodyear blimp with aerial, weather-specific coverage of the ALCS. Looks like it’s going to be very cold and very damp, but (by all estimates) playable. Still: anybody want to take odds on the prospects of November baseball? Or is that already a foregone conclusion?

I never thought I’d be saying this, but I’m glad to be reunited with FOX, Joe Buck, and Tim McCarver for the Yankees-Angels series. And with Ron Darling doing his best Wesley Snipes impersonation, we could be faced with a dangerous situation: a TBS broadcast booth with no-one to rebuke Chip Caray, barring a potential last-ditch effort to hire George Lopez as his foil. Quite a frightening scenario by all measures.

Onto the rematch between the Phillies and Dodgers: my original prediction for Los Angeles to fold in the face of stellar pitching has already been disproven, so why would I bother citing Cliff Lee and Cole Hamels here? Because Lee has been the most dominant pitcher this postseason, and Hamels is the reigning NLCS/WS MVP? Maybe?

But a Dodgers/Yankees title fight would invoke all types of subplots and nostalgia, even if they’re nonexistent, and promise a higher rated championship series. Joe Torre returning to the playoffs in New York as the opposition’s manager? With Manny Ramirez on his team? This is the sort of buzz MLB needs, and is my only basis for predicting a modicum of revenge for the Dodgers (in 6).

So far, I only have one chance left at being entirely correct on one series: Phillies in 4. Never would have thought the others would all end in sweeps, let alone foreseeing the Los Angeles teams on the winning ends of said beatdowns.

There’s also that whole “team of destiny” title that was bestowed upon the Twins: I don’t think the Angels were too happy about that. This is a team that believes in rally monkeys, rally threads, and is playing with resolve for a lost teammate. Oh, and there’s a revenge-seeking, productive ex-Yankee who the Halos signed using the remaining funds in their petty cash drawer. Yep. Defeating them will really help the Yankees change that whole “Evil Empire” moniker.

But if the Yankees were truly to quash playoff demons, winning against Carl Pavano is not enough. The Angels have been their playoff litmus test for the past decade: advancing past them remains tantamount to eradicating the specter of the dominant post-90s franchise looming as a blueprint for October success.

Past failures aside, the Yankees cannot afford for their bats to become suddenly anemic; the Angels led the majors with a collective .285 batting average. And with doubt cast upon who their fourth-starter will be for this series, any notion of an advantage of pitching depth is lost. Only my bias believes that many a McCarver will be cueing the narrative about the new Stadium being a postseason panacea. (Unfortunately, the National League will still have a Chip on their shoulder.) Yankees in 6.

Speaking of piling on Mr. Caray, the New York Times has already prepared a comprehensive analysis of his tendency towards “bad play calls, descriptive exaggerations and factual errors.” We’re all prone to mistakes, but at least I would never proclaim “It’s Lopez Tonight weekends on TBS! …I think I meant to say weeknights.” That’s because I’ve already programmed my DVR.